A sense of belonging

The holidays are around the corner… of course I feel sad. I know that I can video call my family in VN, but I still miss the feeling of having a family by my side, a sense of belonging with my beloved in person, I guess. I thought of going back to ATL, but I don’t feel very welcomed just thinking about it; I guess I deserve more than that. Having a friend to keep me in check is great, which prevented me from jumping voluntarily into a potential dumpster fire.

A sense of belonging, being understood of where I’m coming from, where I’m heading towards and being loved for that. Wouldn’t that be wonderful? Feels good to be able to put it into words (finally? partially? I don’t know, I’m happy with this.)

This will be the first time I spend all Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year by myself. I am pretty sure I do not feel this way when I am in VN around this time of year; probably, the atmosphere and the holiday spirit are differently appreciated here. No more AZ, no more GA. I looked up tickets to Taylor’s comedy shows, which returned a very pricey journey to NY, which I would not want to go by myself. Travels are off. (Ugh?) But let’s think about all the money we’ll save and get to spend somewhere else… Being a broke-ass international phd student in the midst of a pandemic sucks. I’m not gonna lie. I occasionally take pride in the fact that I made it this far. That journey entails tons of hardship. I can name one of them right now - isolation. The path you take, the choices (mistakes) you make, lead you to whatever hellhole you’re in now.

In another optimistic news, I’m just so happy to find out about thriftbooks. I don’t feel like I have to scroll forever to find a cheap version of a book I wanted to read. Don’t get me wrong, I love the convenience of ebook, with highlighting and looking up terms and whatnot. But the feeling of holding a physical book in your hands, the sound of a highlighter gently moving on the rusty paper, just hit differently.